Big Hand Dave

We had a pretty good practice last night. We worked on just a few songs and fine-tuned the mixing board as we are going to have a recording session in two weeks to cut a demo that we’re going to start sending out to get some gigs. I’m very excited as we are planning on recording our first original, “Staying Kind” and I am eagerly anticipating hearing what it sounds like.

It took us a while to get started as Dave had turned the water pump off at the lake house due to the very cold weather last week and he was working trying to get it back on. He was outside and called me on my cell phone.

“Hey, can you go into that back room where the switch box is and turn that red breaker on that’s marked ‘pump’?”

“Sure.” I said, fumbling around in the dark for a light switch. I was pretty sure the breaker powered the water pump and not Rodney.

“Ok, I found it.” I said. “Turn it on now?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

The very instant I flipped the switch my phone made the “beepbeep” dropped call sound.

‘Oh my God!’ I thought. ‘I’ve just electrocuted Dave! How are we going to have practice without a drummer?’

I ran outside to look for his crisp and smoldering body, but couldn’t find him anywhere.

I called his number and he answered. I was almost certain he was not answering from beyond.

“I thought I electrocuted you.”

“Naw, I’m in the pump house.”

That sounded vaguely pornographic, though it may just be my dirty mind.

After that harrowing ordeal, we got started with practice. We started out with a warm up jam that consisted of an artful mixture of Howling Wolf’s “Killing Floor,” “Fire” by Jimi Hendrix, “Move it on Over” By George Thorogood and ZZ Top’s classic, “Tube Snake Boogie.” I reminded the band that I was fairly certain that Jimi Hendrix was probably speaking metaphorically when he tells her to let him stand next to her fire. I’m almost positive he was not a little chilly and that he meant something else. I don’t know that they believed me, innocents that they are. I’m sure they don’t realize that a tube snake is a kind of sock organizer. They’re so naïve.

Next PJ and I enjoyed a version of “Act Naturally.” Dave had never heard of Buck Owens or his red, white & blue guitar (his education is egregiously lacking) but he did know all the words to the Hee Haw “Doom, Despair, and Agony On Me” song. So there is hope for the boy.

As a bonus, we got Dave’s monitor working! That’s a very good thing. Now he can actually hear what he’s doing. He was doing an excellent job without the monitor so this can only help. Sadly, we obviously messed up the rest of the board as we had a ferocious feedback monster ringing in our ears and PJ’s guitar wasn’t right, so Wes had to spend a lot of time fine-tuning the board. But it was worth it as it all sounds really good now.

We tried out “Under Pressure” and despite the fact that on some parts I have to sing approximately five octaves lower than Freddie Mercury, it sounded really good. I think it will be a keeper once we work the bugs out. It’s also technically a one-hit-wonder as it was a hit by Queen and David Bowie, and that was their only hit together. If you disagree, you can take it up with our attorney. He will straighten you out post haste.

Next we played “Sex & Candy.” The first time we played it we did so just a smidgen too fast, but it sounded really good. The second time around, it was perfect. Dave pulled rank on me when I tried to change the beginning of the song. Next time I just may stomp my foot. PJ told him not to let me push him around. It was anarchy.

“Gloria” was next and we all love that little song. We really do it well. Dave has figured out the ending and now nails it every time.

To take a little break and inject some humor into the evening, we took something Rodney said and ran with it, making up a little impromptu song we called “You Can’t Always Get Tuna Salad” sung to the Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Hilarity ensued.

After we wiped the tears from our eyes it was time for “Keep Your Hands To Yourself.” We played it perfectly, and, as threatened, I HIJACKED it! That’s right. At the end of the song, in the middle of the second guitar solo, I came in with “Johnny B. Goode.” And just when they thought it was safe to end the song, I hijacked it again with “Move It On Over.” Ah, good times. We agreed that I would refrain from any hi-jinx and antics of that nature during the recording.

After we had safely landed, we played “867-5309/Jenny” a couple of times. We’ve pretty much got that one down too. Then we played “Chevy Van” and reworked and simplified the ending. Then we played “Staying Kind” several times and damn it sounds good. We rounded out the evening by again playing “Gloria” and “Sex & Candy.”

There was a plethora of quotes. If I’m not mistaken, the secret word game was re-instated. I heard “green tooth” on one occasion and “green teeth” on another. Mere coincidence? Bad hygiene? I think not.

And the best quote of the evening was also the first quote of the evening. We were discussing the illustration that I had sent out which depicts a lot of the songs we play. Perhaps with enough encouragement we can persuade Pump to put it on the website. In any case, PJ said,”

“I didn’t get Brandy.” DOH! He didn’t actually say “Doh!” but his face did as he realized what he was talking about was referring to the song “Brandy.” He realized it just as soon as it was out of his mouth. You just had to be there. Trust me, it was funny. On with the rest of the quotes.

“I’m going to kick my own ass if we keep playing that song.” ~PJ

“Don’t quote me on that.” ~Dave

“That’s a bad angle for me.” ~Rodney

“Well I’m the one looking at it!” ~JD

“That wasn’t all bad.” ~PJ

“Where’s my mic?” ~Dave

“I’m sorry. I just got excited and went too far.” ~Dave

“That’s what she said.” ~JD

“Maybe I can do that on the recording about five times.” ~Wes

“I left my tuna salad in the truck.” ~Rodney

“And she still followed me into the bar.” ~JD

“I don’t mess around with the small knobs.” ~Dave

“What are you touching?” ~Wes

“Maybe it’s just me.” ~Rodney

“I was stuck between gravity and a hard place.” ~PJ

“That thing with the chair that chicks can do and guys can’t.” ~Wes

“It’s the amazing never-ending ride cymbal!” ~JD

“Ya’ll are killin’ me!” ~Wes

“That’s what we were talking about earlier before you came in.” ~PJ

“I lost the fucking thing again!” ~Rodney

“It’s all those damn Gs in there!” ~Wes

“No, I don’t care. I’m thinking about what I should be doing.” ~PJ

“It was an IT joke.” ~Wes

And the second place finisher for quote of the night:

“I smell sex and catfish!” ~PJ
The Da